News

'He will have no fear of bad news. His heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.'
Psalm 112:7

In the three years since I was given this verse as a stressed out soon to be mom, it has become one of the foundations of the life I now lead. It is my constant prayer for Wyatt. It is an ongoing reminder of good priorities. It is the Word of God living and active.

Why a new blog post on our lessons of trust after a long silence? There are parts of our story in the past 18 months that are not a secret, and yet I find there are those in our lives we haven't been able to share with lately. This isn't the type of news you share in a quick Facebook status or run in with old friends at the grocery store. It is a part of our family and each of us individual.

We currently find ourselves in the midst of "secondary infertility." Our hope was for 2 kids, 2 years apart. I was pregnant in the "perfect timing," but lost the baby at only 6 weeks. Six months later, we again lost a little one early in the first trimester. Nine months from that loss, we are still awaiting another baby to love. The emotions and questions are a roller coaster at times. Another miscarriage could indicate a medical issue although currently none have been found. Adoption is a common story around us, but as of now neither of us are hearing that from God for our family right now.

Our struggle is in no way unique. At times, I have even felt guilty that it has not been as hard or long as others we love. Nevertheless, it has brought us to new understanding of no fear. God is a rock in the midst of bad news. He is faithful in times of no news. He brings peace when even good news can be full of uncertainties.

For now, we wait. We pray for steadfast hearts. We listen to Wyatt's stories of how he will take care of the two babies he is asking God for. :)

My First Lent

disclaimer: Likely, this is not my first attempt at giving up something for Lent. However, my memory is such that any previous years no longer have enough significance for me to remember them.

Last week, I felt strongly that God was calling me to give up something specific for Lent; to spend the weeks before Easter focusing on Himself and the priorities He has given me at this time. I have wrestled with the idea (and Cory's insistence that I follow it wholeheartedly) for the past few days as the beginning of Lent approaches. Living with a more intentional purpose in our time and finances has been a recurring theme lately. What I wasn't prepared for was the sacrifices that might require. And so, starting Wednesday through Easter, I am fasting from reading.

Yes, reading. This is not a traditional Lent observance; the days may not even be exact, and I'm including Sundays too. It's what God is asking of me for 2012. It is something I cannot fast completely - street signs, mail, emails, my Bible and a few other things will still be read. Any books, newspapers, magazines, online articles, most blogs, etc. are out. I'm already feeling withdrawals, and I haven't even started. I keep suggesting compromises, and my conscience that I married shoots them down.

So, why reading? If you know me much, you know I love to read. Ask my mom (or my husband) how many times it takes to get my attention when I'm engrossed in a book. As a kid, I got to the point where I would reply to questions while reading and later have no recollection of a conversation existing. I would like to say that no longer happens. At least not in the last 2 hours, I think. It rarely takes me more than a week to finish a book. When I'm reading, whether it be a novel, a book on business strategy, a blog on being a stay at home mom, or a newspaper article I randomly pick up, I'm in that reality completely. It's my go-to escape. One I've been using too often. Probably, 1-2 hours a day are spent reading. That's crazy when I think about how little free time I have now.

For the next few months, I want to practice fully engaging with people. With God. With MY life.
Reading is in the way for me.

When I did a little research on Lent (using the always reliable wikipedia), I was surprised to learn that traditionally what you give up is replaced with an increase of prayer and of giving. Prayer wasn't a suprise; the financial piece was. We've been challenged at church lately to expand the ways we give financially. It's been something on my mind often. I love how God brings what He's teaching me full circle. It's all related.

By posting this, I hope to find a little more of the accountability I need to do this fully. Thank you!

new

Happy new year!

As we enter 2012, it appears blogging is not my strength. I love the concept. I love it when I do it. I have a lot of other things that take precedence, including quite a few that don't happen. (Like the quilt I am making as a wedding present for a friend... who celebrates her 2nd anniversary this month.) I spent a few minutes looking online for a catchy blog theme or goal for the new year to keep me motivated. Then I realized it wouldn't work. I would be excited, get distracted, feel guilty, and be back where we started.

I love sharing about Wyatt's growth in this format because I can brag a little. Even more importantly, I love writing about life because I can be introspective without the pressure of a journal. Journaling is even more sporadic for me, believe it or not. I was looking at the quarter filled journal I got 4 years ago and got a little sad. How many lessons have I learned and then forgotten because I didn't take the time to record them. My problem is too many ideas for how we could do these things and none that take root.

In general, that's how I live - great start, level off, project dies before completion. Yes, I finish many things because of peer pressure and a compulsion to check things off a list. Most lists never get 100% complete in my world. A new list takes over and items fall off. So, this year, my biggest goals can't be checked off. There attitude adjustments that take the grades out of life. It's intimidating to give up my known results. If I just live to enjoy it, will I succeed? Out of my head it sounds ridiculous.

In 2012, this blog will be a nice chronicle of our family's growth (hopefully in number!).
- Of Wyatt's growth from a baby into a talking, walking boy. In the last few months he's a whole new kid. I love the interaction we have on a constant basis. He is such a Daddy's boy, and he is so much like his Daddy. What a blessing to have two happy guys reminding me what is really important. (I'm not sure if puppies and football are as important to me as to those two)
- Of my growth in becoming who God made Denise to be. Not who she thinks she has to be. Look for more smiles, less stress, and some unexpected boldness.
- Of our growth as a couple. We've been blessed with a great marriage, but I know God has something better.
- Of our growth into the world and out of our comfort zone.

cheers to twenty-twelve.

ps - thanks annemarie for inspiring me as always. you're my blogging hero.

First Step

On Monday, Wyatt took his first step. Just one foot forward, and not repeated since. But the circumstances surrounding that precious step will always be a fond memory. (Probably more so as time passes...)


Early Monday, my stomach didn't feel so great. I noticed it as Wyatt spent 1:30 to 3 crying on and off in his bed. Teething? Who knows! Around 5, it was noticeable no matter what as the contents of my stomach made their way out. A few hours later, Cory joined in the fun. We spent the first half of the day laying on the floor and taking turns ridding ourselves of whatever food our bodies still had. Whoever had thrown up most recently was in charge of the baby if he needed anything. He seemed to love getting to crawl all over us and eat food we left him on the floor.

However, by 1 it was obvious our strength had been surpassed by our baby. Reinforcements were called for and carried us through til 6. At that time, I thought in my haze that I could feed Wyatt and get him in bed then call it a day. When awakened from a nap, Cory reminded me that perhaps we should eat something before another night passed and we withered away. At this point, we all crawled to the kitchen in an attempt to do so. All Cory could get out were the saltines on the counter. As his parents tried to nibble on them, Wyatt was so thrilled by the abundance of crackers that he started grabbing any near him. Even from his poor feeble mother's hands. He was thrilled with a cracker in each hand, stood up, and took a step! I couldn't help but laugh as Cory and I laid on the floor on the kitchen unable to stand, but Wyatt could!

All ended well as our kind caregiver returned to make us soup and again the next morning to help out. By the afternoon, a friend of mine came over with her boys and entertained Wyatt for a few hours. Today, Cory was back to work and we're almost back to normal. And maybe Wyatt is just one step closer to walking :)

Pressure

Blogging every day just adds pressure to my life. I'd like to be more regular with it, but not everyday. This week has been pretty busy, and although we're doing things there isn't that much out of the ordinary to share. So, my revised realistic goal is 2+ posts a week.

I have an opportunity to do some work from home, and I know that will cut into other things a little too. Though, I have times like right now where I would definitely welcome that. Wyatt is napping, and I'm afraid to make any noise in case he wakes up too early. Is it time to turn on the heat yet? I'm so ready for the furnace to drown out my noise! But, forecast is for 80 this weekend. Better save that money to pay for the extra watering of our lawn.

Ok, I'm going to sneak out of the office to the living room to find my Bible study book. Wish me luck! It would be wonderful if this nap lasted an hour and a half - 35 minutes to go!

Injury

We had our first bloody injury today. It ended up being no big deal. Just a scary experience for all of us. I'm not sure how it happened. Wyatt looked like he just bumped his face on the light little ottomans he loves to push around the floor. He freaked our more than usual, and when Cory picked him up his mouth was full of blood. His poor little face was full of terror. It was a different hurt than usual, and he could tell we were nervous. Thankfully, it was just a little cut on the gum above his teeth. No tooth damage and in a few minutes, no big deal!

We are in for more experiences like this. Before the blood, Wyatt added a bump over his eye and a big scratch on his forehead this morning. All before church. He looks like a boy for sure!

Tantrums

Our son has a temper. And a short one at that. He has learned that we can give him things he wants and thinks yelling is a good way to let us know it's time. Yuck.

On this topic, the less said the better :)

Growing up

Today it hit me more than most - soon I won't have a baby. He's so close to walking, and his communication is right there too. I love that he is growing up and can interact so much. His personality is coming out all the time.

This morning I asked, "Wyatt, can you go get a book?" He surprised me and crawled right over to his book basket and took one out! I repeated it as he went that way, but I was so proud of him. He gets it! He has started to make a "B" sound for book and ball. I'm trying to listen for any differences. Of course, he hasn't said book since I decided to pay closer attention.

Cory thinks he says "nene" (short e sound) for me. Close to mama! That makes me laugh because my sister called me "nene" (long e sound) as a baby. Close to Denise!

Music!

Today was our free trial of Gymboree music classes. Wyatt loved it! The teacher was great and really involved each kid in the singing and playing. He was engaged almost the whole 45 minutes and responding way more than I expected. I can really see why people pay for this. They know what they're doing.

We were very blessed for some help from my grandma so we can do it through the end of the year. It's not something that I would want money to do long term... I still can't quite justify the cost of our cell phones for a once a week thing for a toddler. Yes, he's learning. But is it significantly more than during the time at the library when we go and sing songs or more than when I sing with him? As he gets older, I know I can't teach him enough but that's a different story.

As a bonus, as an enrolled member we can go to open play time anytime we want! We'll definitely be taking advantage of that!

Arts & Crafts?

(Note: Yesterday was another sick day. I cannot think of anything to post about it other than the hope that Wyatt never again is awake for two hours in the night. Not because he was sick, just because he thought he should be.)

Today we did our first activity from the Toddler Busy Book. One of Cory's co-workers gave us this great book of rainy day activities and other fun, nearly free, things to do at home. In general, Wyatt isn't old enough for it. However, I was going crazy on our third day at home all day. I wanted to make sure this cold was good and gone before doing anything else so we kept the quarantine going. I looked through it and found an idea for making a train out of boxes and string. So, the empty cereal, cracker, and Kleenex box became a train! I was thrilled. My son, not so much. He liked playing with the twine for a few minutes; he sat on one box; he pulled the animals I put in it out. He didn't care when it moved around. Maybe tomorrow?

We also attempted to color. This was harder as we don't have any crayons. Wyatt thinks colored pencils are great... for banging together. It was hilarious to watch because he kept trying to stand up with them. He succeeded a few times. He'll only stand up on his own if he has toys to hold on to. Good help with balance :)

Lazy Day

Some days what's best for Wyatt is nothing new. Today was that day.

We're fighting a little cold here, and so we laid low in hopes it will be gone tomorrow before Bible study. It's nice to relax with him and play all day, getting just a few little things done. Wyatt enjoyed his favorite activities: throwing food, crumpling paper, and trying to get in the toilet. Good day!

Friends and Family

Wyatt has so many people that love him. Unfortunately, they don't all live here. I had an idea a few months ago to create a bulletin board for him with their pictures, and it materialized this weekend. We luckily were able to repurpose a bulletin board my mom had growing up so the total cost was under $5, even with paint!
It matches his room and has pictures of lots of important people, grouped by state. Eventually we can use this to teach geography, maybe reading names, who knows! While I was in the middle of putting it together, Wyatt would crawl over to it and just stare at it. He loves looking at pictures, and hopefully soon he'll put names and faces together :)

(I did realize a picture would be helpful with this post. However, just posting is a triumph for me. Look for picture posts when Wyatt can upload the pictures for me, and the camera is cleared more than once a month.)

Showing off for Daddy

Saturdays are often the days Wyatt tests his boundaries. If I had to guess, I would say his first steps will be on a Saturday. He has always been happier when his dad is home. It may be that he is happiest when both of us are around; I can't judge how he is when I'm gone. What I do know is that he takes little risks during the week. Weekends are the time for shaking things up. He pushes naps longer, just to revel in time with his dad.

A week ago he stood up on his own for the first time. Today, he did it over and over and made motions towards walking. All day it was obvious he wanted to walk. Maybe next week?

Food

In the last 24 hours, Wyatt has attempted to try 3 new foods. Probably, a better way to phrase that is Wyatt has resisted trying new foods. He is becoming quite the opinionated eater. Vegetable? No. Fruit? Yes. Protein? No. Bread? Yes. Dairy? Hives.

In an attempt to bring the balance back towards veggies, I cooked a nice butternut squash last night. One bite in, one bite right back out. Same thing at lunch. Tonight at dinner he managed to eat it... mixed with applesauce and nutmeg. Red plums were an easy yes. Grape tomatoes fared in the middle. He chewed them for a while, then spit the skins out. We're in a rut where he wants to eat with his hands, but 4 front teeth aren't quite enough for some foods. He loves pickles, just can't mush them up enough to swallow. His tastes are a little crazy!

Flush

Today, I wasn't the one introducing the new things. There was a cute new outfit for fall (bringing out the new clothes is the best); an attempt at a new food... but Wyatt decided he would show off a new skill

Flushing the toilet. The shiny silver handle was too much to resist. Mom just pulled it, why shouldn't he? I think we're entering the phase where innocent household items become a huge mess for me to clean up.

More!

Wyatt and I didn't do anything "brand new" today. Unless wearing a new shirt counts? He looks so grown up wearing non-onesie shirts and with his little boy haircut. Where did the baby go?

He has started to sign "more" to me when eating. The cutest is when he nurses and is ready to switch sides. He just sits up and claps his little hands together (his sign for more, somewhere between a clap and the actual more sign). Tonight at dinner he ran out of chicken on his tray and signed for more without my even asking! I never imagined that such little things could be worth so much until I was a mom.

He only has one spoken word so far, "Ba" for Ball. He'll just babble, "ba, baba" and make a beeline for his soccer ball and football. I'm still waiting for Mama. Dada seems close.

40 Days

Once I heard that if you do something everyday for 40 days, it becomes a habit. maybe. Though I definitely can develop a habit for more than 40 days and drop it in like 2. I had good grammar and punctuation all through school. Look at me now.

Anyways, I'm going to try to post everyday for the next 40 days. One new thing for Wyatt every day.

This summer, I was challenged to focus on just 3 things. If something doesn't fall in those categories, it's not a priority. To be completely honest, I have some bigger priorities than the 3 that I feel God is asking me to focus on. Like Himself. However, this fall is about:
1) Being physically healthy. Establishing good habits and passing them on to my family.
2) Building relationships. Making effort and taking risk to go deeper. Giving the time and effort to relationships that they deserve.
3) Paying attention to how I can help Wyatt grow happy and smart. This one is the hardest to describe. It's more of a concept in my head. I don't want to stress about doing a million things, but I want to encourage his interests. For example, he responds incredibly to music so we're looking into baby music classes. (Thanks, Grandma Pat!)

As a part of that, I want to keep myself accountable for expanding his horizons. Hopefully, this will continue past 40 days, but you gotta start small, right?

So, for today, it was our first Tuesday morning Bible study for the fall. And Wyatt's first time in the nursery on Tuesday morning. He seemed to love it! There was a little crying when I started to leave, but a graham cracker did the trick. They said he took a great nap, and when I came back I saw him playing with Cooper and Fox. I loved watching him play with them and imagining that these could be friends for a long time! Hopefully with less crying and unintentional hitting each other...

waiting

I'm not good at waiting. I used to think I was not bad, but I'm terrible with patience.

The last few weeks have felt like only waiting. Waiting to hear about our future, waiting for Wyatt to have a better schedule, waiting, waiting. And stewing and being irritable. And waiting. And whining. And whining and complaining. Still waiting.

Wait... is life for waiting? This was the last week that I met with a group of moms this summer and read "The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers" I needed this chapter at this time: Hope. I had no hope, only waiting for less terrible things to happen. No hope of a good future, no hope in my Savior. I felt ashamed reading about the value of Hope. Where had any glimmer of this been in my life? How had I let hopelessness take the place of my stress? Letting go doesn't mean slipping away.

I could come up with a lot of excuses as to why I have been so stupid and selfish the last few months. What is comes down to is this course will ruin me. Literally ruin my life. I'm loving being a mom but I let that hide so easily and put the little things in front. Who cares where we live. I truly have peace about it. God knows. He has a great plan. Not an easy plan. Not a convenient plan. A great plan and HOPE. I have to wait for his timing, but I can wait in hope.

So, I'll revel in being with my parents this week. I'll laugh at Wyatt's silly antics. I'll even give Cory a hug when he gets home instead of trying to get more done. I'll put it all in God's hands and wait expectantly knowing I'm right where I should be.

And I'll wait for my homemade bread ready in a few minutes! A new breadmaker has been a highlight this week. Thanks, Mom! (and whoever donated it to the Salvation Army!)

stress

I didn't realize how I'd let stress creep into my life these last few months. Then, as I was falling asleep a few weeks ago I felt the familiar aches and tightness in my back. My body recognizes my stress before my head does. It was disappointing to realize that the peace I'd revelled in early on as a mother had escaped. I let life take over without a thought... or more accurately with way too many worried thoughts.

As I've struggled to pinpoint the stress, God has shown me lots of blessings that I've ignored. I live in a comfortable house, have plenty to eat, have a very healthy and smart baby... on and on. Instead of focusing here, I've let the unknowns subconsciously eat away at me.

So today, I'll enjoy my mobile standing on everything mischief maker of a son. And I'll be proud of my husband who has multiple job options for the future. And I'll remind myself that I'm worth being a friend too and actually take some initiative.

Perspective

The last few weeks have been hard. Wyatt started sleeping through the night... or what he considers the night. I've been hoping every night for months that we would reach this point. Then life would be easier; things would flow normally. Right? Wrong. He sleeps for 10 hours, meaning morning is 5:30 AM. We've tried pushing bed time, letting him cry in the morning, and numerous other things. 5:30 it is.

Yesterday, I hit the wall. I'm tired! 5:30 is not when my body wants to wake up. Going bed in time to wake up at 5:30 is not when I want to go to bed. After being up with a whiny yet energetic baby for an hour, I fell apart. How could I keep going? Cory helped me calm down, we got back on track, and the day started. We've been giving Wyatt a new food at breakfast every few days, and it was time for yogurt. I've been reading about when to give what foods and felt good about this. It would be so fun for something other than baby cereal or fruits and veggies.

He loved it for a few minutes... Then I noticed the hives. There were just a few red bumps by his eye where he had rubbed (Wyatt's great at spreading food everywhere on himself) So we stopped, cleaned up, and took stock of the situation. Thankfully, he had just a few spots on bumps - almost all where he had food on him and they disappeared within minutes. My mom has some unfortunate experience with allergies, having discovered Laura's peanut allergy as a toddler. She talked me through what to watch for. I think it may have just been a little early for dairy. No big worries yet.

And more importantly, I was reminded of how important my baby and my job as a mom are. Even that little bit of hurt was more than I wanted him to have. The rest of the day was enjoyable, not a burden. It is a blessing to be here with him and to take care of him. It's not going to be easy. He doesn't make it easy as he gets into everything. I have to look at what is good in that - he's learning, he's exploring, he's growing.

More than any other time in my life, I'm content with where God has placed me. It's easy to let the little things take over and rob the joy from that. Today I make the choice to live abundantly in His love and His will. I am thankful for the opportunity to take changes with a smile and a prayer for guidance. No more fear and stress as a first response. Hopefully, no more at all!